Re: I Would Like to Return my Diet Tapeworm

 

Dear Ms. Flankel:

I would like to return my Skinny Grrl “Detox and Cleanse” Tapeworm. As I explained to the customer service agent on the phone, it failed to meet my expectations and live up to the Skinny Grrl promise of “Turning the Disgusting into the Divine.”

At first, I thought Tatiana was a great addition to my diet and fitness regimen. She arrived, as advertised, coiled in Skinny Grrl’s signature zero-calorie, gluten-free hemp bark box made exclusively by Tiffany’s. The box’s bedazzled nameplate and bow-turned-optional-gagging-device was a very thoughtful touch. You really do think of everything!

Per the instructions on the box, I fasted 15 days prior to Tatiana’s arrival and consumed her using the special probiotic fiber gel included in the package. After meditating the requisite 24 hours, I used my Skinny Grrl “Buzz Kill” Calorie Monitor and Personal Taser to control my cravings and ensure I limited the following week’s calories to a total of 600. I restricted myself to foods that either ended or began with the letter “D,” as is customary during week 1,214 of your cleansing program.

I then resumed the normal Skinny Grrl diet, eating the auspicious 808 calories per day, as the ancient Aztecs did during the root vegetable harvesting season. I must confess, during this first week, I found myself a little tired and unable to self-administered the weekly apple cider vinegar colonic on Sunday. I hope this doesn’t pose a problem for my return.

This is when things took a turn for the worst. By week seven, I had gained nearly 1.12191 pounds. It appeared Tatiana was only eating the celery I have everyday for lunch and ignoring the Snickers bars I treat myself to at dinnertime. I would like to think your company does not send to customers, tapeworms with diagnosed peanut allergies. This would be disappointing.

This is when I started to fear that Tatiana might be a little bit lonely inside my digestive tract. I remember when I moved to Los Angeles on my own and I didn’t want to eat a thing. So, one night during week eight, I went to Albertson’s and searched through the dumpsters in the back. After a couple of hours, I was able to find two pounds of hamburger meat and some ground pork that was likely harboring parasites. I took it home and ate all of the rotten meat using the shovel from Mr. Snuggles’s litter box.

But the new intestinal neighbors didn’t help Tatiana’s appetite at all. In fact, it appeared to make things worse. Now I must confess, my parasite experience up until this point largely has centered around weight loss leeches, not intestinal species, so I probably should have done a bit more research before I went to Albertson’s. If I could offer a friendly suggestion, it would be this - please consider adding this to the Frequently Asked Questions section of your website. I think it would be really helpful for many of your customers.

According to your website, you only sell specially harvested, non-genetically modified tapeworms which are designed to reside in the intestines, sharing in caloric absorption, as well as serving as nutritional senseis to both the stomach and lower intestines. However, according to my neurologist, Tatiana has moved by way of the bloodstream into my frontal lobe, just below the cerebral cortex. I am uncertain how she would have been able to fulfill her duties from there. Do you have a telecommuting option?

Thanks to two experimental brain surgeries and several months of intensive therapy, I now only experience a handful of epileptic events each week and am slowly relearning how to smile. To celebrate, I am asking that the refund for Tatiana be applied, along with the enclosed $1,500 money order, to the Skinny Grrl hCG Starter Package I saw advertised during the "Real Housewives of New Jersey" marathon on Bravo this weekend. I was happy to discover the hormone found in pregnant women is scientifically proven to promote weight loss and can be administered rectally.

I apologize for not returning Tatiana, the neurologist was especially uncooperative and refused to return her to me after the second procedure. I have included the zero-calorie, gluten-free hemp bark box, but kept the bow/gagging device. I hope you understand.

 

Sincerely,

Annabelle Townsend